Poetry: Bound

Baby given up with no name;

Until someone took her in- shelter from the storm;

Once nameless, now framed with a name;

Adopted by a family, last name changed;

Growing up, a feeling she never could ignore;

Secrets kept, she never once implore;

Memories lost she couldn’t restore;

Bound lost, lonely, abandoned, hopeless, dazed, and confused;

A house that felt like no home;

A family disconnected;

Betrayed of lies;

But one remained hidden deep inside;

Within her heart, a longing she couldn’t sway;

A face once without a name, named.

Had a home.

Had a family.

Had a life beyond some.

Yet, deep within,

A child once nameless,

Could never separate her from reality;

Deep within, her heart bound by

Lost, lonely, abandoned, hopeless, dazed, and confused.

Year

Happy New Year all! New year, new you. That’s always what I hear each year. Weight Watchers ads for losing weight is currently running in between shows. I received one in mail a few days before 2016 had ended. I used to join it (2-3 times). Then I realized I am always going to fail at it. Although, I did reach losing ten pounds the last time I joined. That was a major achievement for me!

Yesterday, the last day of 2016, I weighed myself. I don’t usually do that. Judging by the result, I probably shouldn’t have. In 2014, I kept my weight around 150’s. Based on my height to weight ratio that’s not good. At times my weight would spiral upwards and downwards, but I managed to keep it around 150’s; rather than constant gaining.

After two weeks of holiday eating, I weighed myself yesterday to find I gained. I am now 165 pounds. That hit me by surprise because I thought I would be in 150’s. Honestly, I don’t know why I thought that. If I’m 150 and keep eating junk, I should be gaining.

It’s not like I took care of myself. I ate sugary foods, drank coke, digested foods containing heavy nickel. I’m allergic to nickel (metal and food). I am on a low nickel diet as of December 2014. But I keep failing on it.

When I first was told about my nickel food allergy, there were barely any articles. Last year there were a ton more blogs about it. With my body worn out on how I treated it, I have decided I need to make a change this year. I need to stay on my low nickel diet. That’s what I need.

Every new year I write take care of my health or lose weight for my resolutions. This year, it’s not only going to be about losing weight, but really trying to eat a low nickel diet.

I can take Allegra or any other allergy pills when I eat something I’m allergic to. But last year I realized Allegra can only help me if I do my part. If I keep taking Allegra to fight off an allergy I keep putting in me, eventually, Allegra will wave its white flag forfeiting and my allergy symptoms will win the war. 

So this year I have decided to try my best to follow my low nickel diet. It will be a struggle, but knowing there’s more articles on it and others going through the same thing helps. It sheds a light on a better year in maintaining my nickel allergy.

Do you or anyone you know have nickel allergy? What’s yours or their experience? Maybe we can bounce ideas off one another, or help each other. What are some of your New Years resolutions or goals?

Happy new year!

Thanksgiving Day…

Happy belated thanksgiving/turkey day. Happy for us but not for the turkeys day. Mom and I went to a family friend’s house for it. We didn’t celebrate much because Dad passed away this year. Mom didn’t feel like celebrating. But when a family friend invited us over she decided to go.

Mom failed to tell me until last minute that these friends had invited more people over. There, I felt so uncomfortable. My anxiety started kicking in. It didn’t help when someone sat next to me on the couch and another who knew her sat right next to her making this person move closer to me, bumping everytime. Could this be used as an example of Liminal? Googling today’s prompt- “occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.” They were on one side while I nice decorated pillow occupied the tiny space I had left on the edge.

Anyways, I immediately got up and squeezed through the nearest table because I felt like I was losing air and couldn’t breathe. I know that’s rude. But hey, I want my space, especially when I never met you.

The whole time I stood around. My family friend did try and talk to me a little. Mom made new friends mingling. One or two of them did try talking to me.

Then, the time came for separating the older people from the youngest at the tables (basically adults from the kids, but there were no “kids”). They used some as an example. And they brought me up saying I can sit with my mom- since… (a little pause and a bit of a whisper they say) “I don’t know anyone there.” That made me feel even more worse.

Watching everyone chit chatting away, I thought, “Why cant I do that?” Why cant I just start a conversation? Or better yet, keep one going once someone else started it!

That was my Thanksgiving. How was yours?

Prompt: Pretend/An Angel Takes Her Wings

Last night around 10PM, my mom got a call. She had just went to bed and the phone rang. Normally, I don’t bother asking who called. This time, I did. I don’t know why.

She said Meadville Aunty had passed away. That made me sad because I remembered this Aunty vaguely. The one memory I remember is how she used to make cheesecake for my brother and I knowing we were visiting.

My mind also remembers a little of her laughter and how she talked. I can hear the sound of her voice in my head a little.

Pretend is the daily prompt for today. How does this relate to it? Well, I remember when my Dad passed away. Everything felt so real. He’s gone. Tears of sadness, heartbreaks, joy of no suffering and knowing he’s in heaven.

But life ticks away. There’s no time for mourning, that’s how I feel. Everything is just pretend or fake. I faked my happy smile just to get by at work.

Walking into work the very next day after the funeral, the owner had thanked me for coming in. The day of the funeral, the director of the previous job I worked at told me she needed a month off after her Dad’s passing. I didn’t know how to respond.

I needed that. But I couldn’t have that. I had to keep going- not just for money reasons, for health as well. If I took a break for one second, I felt I’d drown. Depression would take its toll. All I could do at home was sleep, think and cry about Dad and the past memories.

I have felt this fake/pretending to be happy before. And after awhile it starts weighing on me, which is where I’m at now. And I don’t know how to stop pretending that everything’s fine.

Baby Step 1

Okay, so I signed up for Financial Peace University. For those of you who don’t know what it is, have you heard of Dave Ramsey? If so, that might help you out. If not, well, I’m fairly new in knowing about him and FPU.
But the church I attend is offering a 9 week session on managing/budgeting money. If you don’t know anything about Dave Ramsey, I actually had no clue until last Saturday when finding some YouTube videos of his talks.
Dave Ramsey talks a lot about how to get out of debt and be at financial peace. There are 7 steps that he calls baby steps. The first baby step is to save $1,000 in emergency fund as quickly as possible.
When hearing this, I’m like, “How in the world can I save that much quickly?” Quickly as in a month or two. I thought of the bags I have. I have two bags that I received free from Macys purchasing Taylor Swift’s perfumes. I also received a bag free from them purchasing a Selena Gomez’s perfume. I have a fossile bag that looks nice still and I barely use it. I also have bags I purchased from Walmart. I have more bags than I need. So that’s my first thing I could sell.
Speaking of perfumes, can you sell used to barely used perfumes? I have Taylor Swift’s Wonderstruck and Wonderstruck Enchanted that I cannot use for my poor nose does not tolerate the scent anymore. I also have a Red Door from Elizabeth Arden, Selena Gomez’s perfume, and a few Bath and Body Works ones. Would those be something I could sell? Or would it be like makeup, once used no one would really want to use it or even buy it.

Below shows two bags I could sell. What do you think? How much would they sell for? The Lipstick shape bag is Selena Gomez’s and the other is one of Taylor Swift’s.

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Why Do I Do It?

Why do I start the things I know I will never finish?

Why do I apply for something I know I haven’t got the heart for? Something I tried two times before and failed.

So, I signed up for selling Avon. Many of you don’t know I have signed up twice in the past. That’s why I don’t want to tell my family and friends. I don’t want to mention it to other coworkers I used to work with either. I can’t tell anyone at the school I work now because they say no personal work allowed. We signed off on it.

So, I’m stuck. My mind is thinking just fill the campaign brochures and “accidentally leave them around where you go”. Maybe someone will look at it, maybe not. Maybe it’ll be thrown away. Maybe it’ll be popped into a bag who’s owner will take it home and browse through it. Maybe someone would call. All these maybes and nothing to motivate me or scream at me, “Do it. Dooo iiiittttt.” I don’t remember where that line was from but I know I have heard it before somewhere. Was it Hannah Montana? I think it was Lily saying it to Miley. But I can’t figure out the episode. Flashback to that show.

Not only am I talking about Avon, but also my crocheting projects. I tried making flowers wanting to connect them. Nope, that quickly went down the drain. I also told myself I want to sell blankets on eBay. Im not making many to sell on it. It’s just a goal that’s staring me down, but when I reach out for it, I get distracted, tired and sleepy, or too lazy to do anything for the goal.

Just like yesterday I brought a book downstairs to read. I knew I was exhausted but I still told myself I’ll read anyways. Took the book downstairs and never even opened a page.

Same goes for writing. I used to write a lot. Everyday, any day. Now, I have no desire in me for daily writing. I lost that part of me. When that part comes back it’s only for a minute. Once a week or so I get inspirations. But my creativeness I feel has fallen apart. And that’s what makes me me.

I haven’t been keeping up with My Trending Stories. Mainly because I can’t type post through phone. I need a laptop and I barely use my laptop because I don’t carry it wherever I go. Same for tablet of the site works on there.

On the positive side, I haven’t given up on this blog site. I only have been posting once or twice a week. Sometimes, short daily post. But at least that’s something.

I have two ideas I wanted to write. Wanted to write on MTS site, but forgot I can’t with phone. Might try and write them down today.

Prompt: Complicated+MTS: His Last Days

Prompt: Complicated

MTS- My Trending Storieshttps://mytrendingstories.com/profile/lisa-maria/

Webster’s Dictionary defines complicated as “difficult to analyze, understand, or explain.” Life is complicated. When you’re a little kid though, life wasn’t all that complicated. All the worries and stress are at a distance as you roll down a hill laughing, run with the wind, soar like you’re flying through the sky, etc. As you grow older, reality hits you. You see more and more things clearly. You watch the ones you love suffer in pain and lose them after the storm. You question everything. You question God. Why does He take away the ones you love? So many questions lead to answers that leave more questions, which are best left unanswered. Life’s complicated. We stray from the path we used to follow- a path of hopes of tomorrow- a path of love- only to find ourselves lost in anguish and destruction. Some can turn back, others are lost for good.

My mind wanders memories of my Dad who passed away last March. Within those memories, I remember the past two years my Dad used to say he wanted to spend his last days in the forest. I wonder why for I couldn’t fathom anyone living in a forest, especially on their last days. Then I see pictures of forest, hear sounds of nature’s songs and realize maybe that’s why. The forest can be many things- adventurous, dangerous, dark, scary, etc. Among the many descriptions, the forest can also be calming and peaceful.

During my Dad’s last days, I wonder if he did visit a forest. When he had moments of sleep, did he dream of walking with God through the trails? Did he sit beside a tree and hear the birds sing? Did he feel lonely? Did he feel safe?

On his last days, I remember turning on the television. He said I could flip through the channels and so I did. Channel after channel I surfed until I found some images of flowers and nature’s beauty pictured on the screen. Dad saw it and he smiled when I told him he used to say he wanted to spend his last days in the forest. I didn’t know it was really his last days. But I’m glad it made him smile to see those.

Trying to clean my room, as always I became distracted. Throwing away papers, I found a notebook. Flipping through pages, I saw a poem, which reminded me of my Dad. I know he was the reason why I sat down and found an image of a forest. I know he was the reason behind this poem. I don’t remember writing it. I don’t remember which image I looked at while writing it. But something about the forest and Dad saying he wanted to spend his last days there moved me. Something about it made me get lost in that picture enough to write this poem. According to the date and time, I wrote this poem at midnight on January 14, 2016. You would think I would remember considering it was written this year. But I don’t. The poem itself is written in another post; however, I will add it onto this one as well.

Dear God,
oh, how I wish,
I wish to be lost in a forest.
The many shades of green
and sounds of water streams.
Birds chirp a tune,
at night, campfires fume,
a peaceful walk through its trails,
calming my awakened stress.
Forest, God bless.
Sending serenity
with an owls hoot,
night time crickets,
a morning sun
to awaken the hearts.
How do I fall out of love
with a sight like that?
A melody sung
while adventures begun.
What journeys do these high trees bring?
Where does the wind blow me?
What do the animals ring?
Is there a new beginning
somewhere deep in a forest?

*peace&God Bless*
Lisa Maria