Poetry: Bound

Baby given up with no name;

Until someone took her in- shelter from the storm;

Once nameless, now framed with a name;

Adopted by a family, last name changed;

Growing up, a feeling she never could ignore;

Secrets kept, she never once implore;

Memories lost she couldn’t restore;

Bound lost, lonely, abandoned, hopeless, dazed, and confused;

A house that felt like no home;

A family disconnected;

Betrayed of lies;

But one remained hidden deep inside;

Within her heart, a longing she couldn’t sway;

A face once without a name, named.

Had a home.

Had a family.

Had a life beyond some.

Yet, deep within,

A child once nameless,

Could never separate her from reality;

Deep within, her heart bound by

Lost, lonely, abandoned, hopeless, dazed, and confused.

One Year

Last year March 14, 2016 grandma was laid to rest with a funeral mass I couldn’t understand. Family and friends all gathered around with tears in their eyes. But many didn’t know what would come next.

Other than this, life was ordinary. Everyone went about their business after sharing a meal. My brotherhood an invite to a family’s house. He just came from out of town.

Rather than waiting for morning to visit, he went close to 9PM. Dad invited me saying he wanted to visit his brother. I knew very well the real reason. After all, if he wanted to visit his brother, he would have waited until morning. I refused to go telling him I wasn’t invited. I was there when brother told them of his invite earlier. I live here and never get invited. He comes to visit and they invite him, no one else. After couple more tries and still not giving in, I watched them all walk out the door and into the car- dad in passenger side with his portable oxygen machine, brother in back seat, mom in driver side. She drove the RAV4.

As they drove away, I closed the door to what would be the last moments shared with Dad at home. Earphones on, I spent my time at home alone listening to music, drowning out life.

Few minutes later I removed my earphone and heard our home phone. But when I picked it up, the call had ended. Then, my cousin called me on my cell phone telling me the news calmly. Their car didn’t even make it on the highway. Mom had made a wide turn and drove into a pole.

Mom got out of the hospital with a fractured elbow and brother got out with bruises and pain. Dad spent two weeks in the hospital before he passed away, Tuesday March 22, 2016 at 3:29AM. He had a neck fracture due to the accident. However, if the doctors hadn’t waited to give him a correct neck brace, he would have been in rehab. Rather, they made him wait one extra day.

His doctors he usually sees preferred him not to stay in a hospital for too long because he would catch pneumonia quickly. That one extra day of waiting came. The doctors changed his neck brace finally. He was ready to be moved.

So it seemed.

He started saying he wasn’t feeling good. The nurses held back on his transferring to a rehab due to that. That night he developed coughing. At one point he had fainted or something and one nurse panicked calling code red unable to get a pulse. I wasn’t there at the time.

They moved him to an ICU room where’d he’d spend his last week. He had chest pains. I don’t know how his heart managed. Only one side vessel was working for him. And he went through all this. Sometimes heart attacks that weren’t heart attacks occurred.

The last we talked was the Friday before they put him to sleep so a machine can breathe for him and he can relax. Saturday morning after that last talk, he had a heart attack. Mom, brother, and I were home when she got the call.

I watched him lay on the hospital bed breathing to a tube. Sunday they decided to do a cooling/warming process. Cooling went fine. But when the warming process began Monday morning, he slowly deteriorated away. His kidneys were failing. His heart was the last to give up. Tuesday, 3:29AM he took his last breath off the machine.

All I keep thinking, the only thing that gives comfort is that he is no longer suffering. I saw on his computer some videos. He learned how to use camera all by himself two years before he passed. He had some videos on there from two years and previous year and the month before he passed.

That last video sent chills down my body as I watched him sleep on his chair for ten minutes before he woke and turned the camera off.

His first video of him finding out about camera, he called mom over to see. They were amazed they could see themselves. He didn’t want to wake me for I was asleep in bed. He never told me and I wished he did. I don’t know.

I feel like ever since he has passed, him and his memories are fading. I don’t know how to keep his memories alive. I feel alone in this house because he is not here to talk to.

When I was sick, even though I was too old for story time, he’d still tell me a story, which would help me forget about my pain and drift off to sleep. The stories would be bible related. If not, then it would be about a rabbit and it’s tail.

Today marks his one year and looking back most of what happened feels so vague in my mind. I wrote this down maybe to have some sort of recollection.

Help Me, I’m Haunted

It’s been 6 months since you passed. Bits and pieces every now and then still taunt. How you invited me to go when no one else did. Yet, I still said no. If I hadn’t, would you still be here? Would everything be different?

Memories no longer front and center. Instead, life facaded. Left in a box, Pandora’s box, somewhere deep within my mind is you- afraid to open.

Flood of plagues when we disagree, storms of fear and terror rage, gust of rain on happy years… it’s all over. But the memories, once facade, still remain somewhere deep within my mind. And forgetting you, I fear.
Facade
Disagree

Prompt: Pretend/An Angel Takes Her Wings

Last night around 10PM, my mom got a call. She had just went to bed and the phone rang. Normally, I don’t bother asking who called. This time, I did. I don’t know why.

She said Meadville Aunty had passed away. That made me sad because I remembered this Aunty vaguely. The one memory I remember is how she used to make cheesecake for my brother and I knowing we were visiting.

My mind also remembers a little of her laughter and how she talked. I can hear the sound of her voice in my head a little.

Pretend is the daily prompt for today. How does this relate to it? Well, I remember when my Dad passed away. Everything felt so real. He’s gone. Tears of sadness, heartbreaks, joy of no suffering and knowing he’s in heaven.

But life ticks away. There’s no time for mourning, that’s how I feel. Everything is just pretend or fake. I faked my happy smile just to get by at work.

Walking into work the very next day after the funeral, the owner had thanked me for coming in. The day of the funeral, the director of the previous job I worked at told me she needed a month off after her Dad’s passing. I didn’t know how to respond.

I needed that. But I couldn’t have that. I had to keep going- not just for money reasons, for health as well. If I took a break for one second, I felt I’d drown. Depression would take its toll. All I could do at home was sleep, think and cry about Dad and the past memories.

I have felt this fake/pretending to be happy before. And after awhile it starts weighing on me, which is where I’m at now. And I don’t know how to stop pretending that everything’s fine.

Prompt: Complicated+MTS: His Last Days

Prompt: Complicated

MTS- My Trending Storieshttps://mytrendingstories.com/profile/lisa-maria/

Webster’s Dictionary defines complicated as “difficult to analyze, understand, or explain.” Life is complicated. When you’re a little kid though, life wasn’t all that complicated. All the worries and stress are at a distance as you roll down a hill laughing, run with the wind, soar like you’re flying through the sky, etc. As you grow older, reality hits you. You see more and more things clearly. You watch the ones you love suffer in pain and lose them after the storm. You question everything. You question God. Why does He take away the ones you love? So many questions lead to answers that leave more questions, which are best left unanswered. Life’s complicated. We stray from the path we used to follow- a path of hopes of tomorrow- a path of love- only to find ourselves lost in anguish and destruction. Some can turn back, others are lost for good.

My mind wanders memories of my Dad who passed away last March. Within those memories, I remember the past two years my Dad used to say he wanted to spend his last days in the forest. I wonder why for I couldn’t fathom anyone living in a forest, especially on their last days. Then I see pictures of forest, hear sounds of nature’s songs and realize maybe that’s why. The forest can be many things- adventurous, dangerous, dark, scary, etc. Among the many descriptions, the forest can also be calming and peaceful.

During my Dad’s last days, I wonder if he did visit a forest. When he had moments of sleep, did he dream of walking with God through the trails? Did he sit beside a tree and hear the birds sing? Did he feel lonely? Did he feel safe?

On his last days, I remember turning on the television. He said I could flip through the channels and so I did. Channel after channel I surfed until I found some images of flowers and nature’s beauty pictured on the screen. Dad saw it and he smiled when I told him he used to say he wanted to spend his last days in the forest. I didn’t know it was really his last days. But I’m glad it made him smile to see those.

Trying to clean my room, as always I became distracted. Throwing away papers, I found a notebook. Flipping through pages, I saw a poem, which reminded me of my Dad. I know he was the reason why I sat down and found an image of a forest. I know he was the reason behind this poem. I don’t remember writing it. I don’t remember which image I looked at while writing it. But something about the forest and Dad saying he wanted to spend his last days there moved me. Something about it made me get lost in that picture enough to write this poem. According to the date and time, I wrote this poem at midnight on January 14, 2016. You would think I would remember considering it was written this year. But I don’t. The poem itself is written in another post; however, I will add it onto this one as well.

Dear God,
oh, how I wish,
I wish to be lost in a forest.
The many shades of green
and sounds of water streams.
Birds chirp a tune,
at night, campfires fume,
a peaceful walk through its trails,
calming my awakened stress.
Forest, God bless.
Sending serenity
with an owls hoot,
night time crickets,
a morning sun
to awaken the hearts.
How do I fall out of love
with a sight like that?
A melody sung
while adventures begun.
What journeys do these high trees bring?
Where does the wind blow me?
What do the animals ring?
Is there a new beginning
somewhere deep in a forest?

*peace&God Bless*
Lisa Maria

Something to Remember Him

After posting my first blog on My Trending Stories, I had just made myself cry blogging on finding some pictures/videos on my Dad’s computer. It was a video taping in April 2014 when he somehow opened up the camcorder and started video taping himself. He was so amazed by it like he is when he finds something new. I wish I had that, too.

It was late at night judging by mom and dad talking. Mom asked him if she should wake me up, but he said to let me sleep. He always stays up so late reading Indian newspapers. I never knew he figured this out. And mom never told me either. It was sad watching and hearing him question what is going on and not knowing how he opened it. I could have taught him. I could have explained it to him.

What made me all teary watching was that there were other videos. Opening them, they all say February 2016. That was a month after he passed away. And all these videos have him wearing his oxygen tube. One video brought laughter because he fell asleep in front of his laptop for a little bit. He used to do that a lot. In the passed he used to say he was just meditating when I would wake him up. But this year, he grew weaker, and he kept falling asleep more and more. Even after eating two or three bites of his food at the kitchen table, he’d close his eyes and fall asleep just sitting there. Or he’d get up and walk to the couch. Sometimes I’d wonder how he could fall asleep on the couch the way he did. I wondered if his neck or back ached the way he slept. But he looked so peaceful. When I would wake him up he would look at me and then give me a slight smile. He wouldn’t say he was just meditating.

I am glad I stumbled upon these videos. I wish there were more. Sadly, there’s not much. But what is there at least my mom and I can cherish. I have saved it on a flash drive. I am sure my mom would want to see it. But I know it will bring her more tears. I want to tell her of this but I don’t want her crying.

Thanks for your time. Please visit my other new blog- https://mytrendingstories.com/profile/lisa-maria/

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Happy birthday to my Dad who passed on March 22, 2016. Today, he would have been 83. I have watched him fight the good fight with his long (20+) years battling heart disease, diabetes, and so much more. A few times doctors thought he’d never make it. Even family. But God gave him many years of life and last March decided it was time. No more suffering for him. Everywhere I go silence of an oxygen machine and no cords to trip over while I’m walking around the house. He kept himself busy til the day of the car accident kept him in the hospital where he passed from Pneumonia, Heart Attack, and Kidney Failure. In the end, his heart gave up. I was grateful work gave me two weeks off when my grandma and him passed. Those weeks I would never have known would be my last weeks of seeing him and taking care of him. I would never have been able to spend as much time with him on his last few days I spent with him if it wasn’t for those days off.

Sorry if this was too long. If you know me, I tend to write long rather than short, get-to-the-point things. It’s good, it’s bad. I know. But everything in life is 🙂

About the newly published Ebook:

Did you ever wish for a fox’s tail? Did you? Well, this ‘lil rabbit did.

Do you like races? Do you play to win or do you play for fun? These foxes and rabbits play for fun. Then again, there’s always that individual… the one little stubborn individual who always wants more. Right? Am I right? Am I, am I? 😛

If you like this, press like and check out my book that’s available on Amazon Kindle Ebook!

In The Rabbit and Its Tail, A group of rabbits and foxes love to race with each other. They race for fun, but fun can get boring when there’s nothing to win for. Sometimes, competition makes it more interesting. And that’s what one rabbit desired.

This stubborn rabbit wanted to win first place. Sadly, there were a few foxes who knew what to do in sneaking their way ahead of her. No matter what Pearl did, she always came in third or below.

Third place isn’t bad, right? Well, for Pearl it made her upset. Leaning beside a tree after a race, she, still flared up from the outcome, envied the foxes tails. She thought it gave them super speed. She wanted that.

This short, children’s story takes you on a journey as Pearl gets her wish she quickly learns the saying, “Careful what you wish for.” As you read this story, once told by my Dad to me as a bedtime story (which was way shorter than this), you will see Pearl’s character’s transformation and how she learns to accept herself as she is.

Thank you for reading and if you like, click here: The Rabbit and Its Tail. You’ll even see a WordPress drawing I tried to do for the cover because I am not a great drawer 😛 hehe I am good but not great at drawing. There are some things I cannot draw and this was one of them. But I hope I can improve on it if ever I get this in a printed version.