One Year

Last year March 14, 2016 grandma was laid to rest with a funeral mass I couldn’t understand. Family and friends all gathered around with tears in their eyes. But many didn’t know what would come next.

Other than this, life was ordinary. Everyone went about their business after sharing a meal. My brotherhood an invite to a family’s house. He just came from out of town.

Rather than waiting for morning to visit, he went close to 9PM. Dad invited me saying he wanted to visit his brother. I knew very well the real reason. After all, if he wanted to visit his brother, he would have waited until morning. I refused to go telling him I wasn’t invited. I was there when brother told them of his invite earlier. I live here and never get invited. He comes to visit and they invite him, no one else. After couple more tries and still not giving in, I watched them all walk out the door and into the car- dad in passenger side with his portable oxygen machine, brother in back seat, mom in driver side. She drove the RAV4.

As they drove away, I closed the door to what would be the last moments shared with Dad at home. Earphones on, I spent my time at home alone listening to music, drowning out life.

Few minutes later I removed my earphone and heard our home phone. But when I picked it up, the call had ended. Then, my cousin called me on my cell phone telling me the news calmly. Their car didn’t even make it on the highway. Mom had made a wide turn and drove into a pole.

Mom got out of the hospital with a fractured elbow and brother got out with bruises and pain. Dad spent two weeks in the hospital before he passed away, Tuesday March 22, 2016 at 3:29AM. He had a neck fracture due to the accident. However, if the doctors hadn’t waited to give him a correct neck brace, he would have been in rehab. Rather, they made him wait one extra day.

His doctors he usually sees preferred him not to stay in a hospital for too long because he would catch pneumonia quickly. That one extra day of waiting came. The doctors changed his neck brace finally. He was ready to be moved.

So it seemed.

He started saying he wasn’t feeling good. The nurses held back on his transferring to a rehab due to that. That night he developed coughing. At one point he had fainted or something and one nurse panicked calling code red unable to get a pulse. I wasn’t there at the time.

They moved him to an ICU room where’d he’d spend his last week. He had chest pains. I don’t know how his heart managed. Only one side vessel was working for him. And he went through all this. Sometimes heart attacks that weren’t heart attacks occurred.

The last we talked was the Friday before they put him to sleep so a machine can breathe for him and he can relax. Saturday morning after that last talk, he had a heart attack. Mom, brother, and I were home when she got the call.

I watched him lay on the hospital bed breathing to a tube. Sunday they decided to do a cooling/warming process. Cooling went fine. But when the warming process began Monday morning, he slowly deteriorated away. His kidneys were failing. His heart was the last to give up. Tuesday, 3:29AM he took his last breath off the machine.

All I keep thinking, the only thing that gives comfort is that he is no longer suffering. I saw on his computer some videos. He learned how to use camera all by himself two years before he passed. He had some videos on there from two years and previous year and the month before he passed.

That last video sent chills down my body as I watched him sleep on his chair for ten minutes before he woke and turned the camera off.

His first video of him finding out about camera, he called mom over to see. They were amazed they could see themselves. He didn’t want to wake me for I was asleep in bed. He never told me and I wished he did. I don’t know.

I feel like ever since he has passed, him and his memories are fading. I don’t know how to keep his memories alive. I feel alone in this house because he is not here to talk to.

When I was sick, even though I was too old for story time, he’d still tell me a story, which would help me forget about my pain and drift off to sleep. The stories would be bible related. If not, then it would be about a rabbit and it’s tail.

Today marks his one year and looking back most of what happened feels so vague in my mind. I wrote this down maybe to have some sort of recollection.

First Giveaway!

I am back in Texas. Arrived yesterday. Been exhausted and sleeping a lot. But tomorrow is work day. Hopefully, I won’t be less tired. I am very grateful we came back yesterday, rather than today. Or else tomorrow I would be even more tired.

I have five Philosophy edts sprays, each in 0.5oz spray bottles- Pure Grace, Giving Grace, and Loveswept. I have decided to give free copies of my first children’s book called The Rabbit and Its Tail. If you would like a copy of this book, please comment down below or send me an email at lmtpjourney@outlook.com today and tomorrow. I will send you a copy of the book.

From today to July 18th, the first five to read and review my book on their blog site will get a Philosophy spray. I am looking for full honest reviews of 300 words or more. In your review, please add https://www.amazon.com/Rabbit-Its-Tail-Lisa-Pannaparayil-ebook/dp/B01GMJYD0U/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468185816&sr=8-1&keywords=the+rabbit+and+its+tail. This ebook is currently available for only Amazon Kindle. If you post a review, send me a comment or email saying you did along with the blog post url.

Thanks for your time!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Happy birthday to my Dad who passed on March 22, 2016. Today, he would have been 83. I have watched him fight the good fight with his long (20+) years battling heart disease, diabetes, and so much more. A few times doctors thought he’d never make it. Even family. But God gave him many years of life and last March decided it was time. No more suffering for him. Everywhere I go silence of an oxygen machine and no cords to trip over while I’m walking around the house. He kept himself busy til the day of the car accident kept him in the hospital where he passed from Pneumonia, Heart Attack, and Kidney Failure. In the end, his heart gave up. I was grateful work gave me two weeks off when my grandma and him passed. Those weeks I would never have known would be my last weeks of seeing him and taking care of him. I would never have been able to spend as much time with him on his last few days I spent with him if it wasn’t for those days off.

Sorry if this was too long. If you know me, I tend to write long rather than short, get-to-the-point things. It’s good, it’s bad. I know. But everything in life is 🙂

About the newly published Ebook:

Did you ever wish for a fox’s tail? Did you? Well, this ‘lil rabbit did.

Do you like races? Do you play to win or do you play for fun? These foxes and rabbits play for fun. Then again, there’s always that individual… the one little stubborn individual who always wants more. Right? Am I right? Am I, am I? 😛

If you like this, press like and check out my book that’s available on Amazon Kindle Ebook!

In The Rabbit and Its Tail, A group of rabbits and foxes love to race with each other. They race for fun, but fun can get boring when there’s nothing to win for. Sometimes, competition makes it more interesting. And that’s what one rabbit desired.

This stubborn rabbit wanted to win first place. Sadly, there were a few foxes who knew what to do in sneaking their way ahead of her. No matter what Pearl did, she always came in third or below.

Third place isn’t bad, right? Well, for Pearl it made her upset. Leaning beside a tree after a race, she, still flared up from the outcome, envied the foxes tails. She thought it gave them super speed. She wanted that.

This short, children’s story takes you on a journey as Pearl gets her wish she quickly learns the saying, “Careful what you wish for.” As you read this story, once told by my Dad to me as a bedtime story (which was way shorter than this), you will see Pearl’s character’s transformation and how she learns to accept herself as she is.

Thank you for reading and if you like, click here: The Rabbit and Its Tail. You’ll even see a WordPress drawing I tried to do for the cover because I am not a great drawer 😛 hehe I am good but not great at drawing. There are some things I cannot draw and this was one of them. But I hope I can improve on it if ever I get this in a printed version.

Kindle Ebook

The Rabbit and Its Tail will be available on Kindle Ebook July 8, 2016. This book is dedicated in loving memory to my Dad who passed away March 22, 2016. His birthday is on July 8th and that is why I had decided for that day.

When I was sick I used to ask him if he could tell me a story. He’d say he don’t know any and that he’d have to ask God. Next night I’d ask him again and he told me about a rabbit and its tail.

I don’t remember his way of telling it for it would always be different. The story was always the same- the rabbit wasn’t satisfied with his tail.

From that, I expanded the story. If you like it, thumbs up (or press like and share). If you don’t, let me know why:)

To view where you can preorder or buy after July 8th click this link:

The Rabbit and Its Tail

Remember: you don’t need a Kindle to read it. You just need the app. The app is available free on all or most devices. That’s all. Let me know what you think of the story or how I can better advertise it.

Prompt: Voyage

“Come on, Sue!” Said her brother startling her awake. “I want to go on a voyage. Hurry up!”

Sue waited until her vision came clear before she responded, “Danny, you cannot go on a voyage.”

“Why not?” Danny answered with a puzzle.

She replied, “Because a voyage isn’t like an adventure. It’s not the little journeys here and there.”

“What’s a voyage, then?” Danny impatiently asked.

Sue thought for a second before responding, “A voyage is more of a longer journey you take mainly in sea or space.”

“SPACE!” Danny’s eyes became wide open as he jumped up and down on her bed excitedly. “Oh, that’s what we’ll do today!”

As Danny ran off, Sue, greatly regretting she mentioned space, gave a groan. How could she have forgotten her little brother was crazy about space.

Sue got off her bed, letting out a strawn (stretch-yawn), she slowly walked into an empty kitchen. Mom and Dad, both went early for work. There was no school. It was summer.

Gathering up her supplies for breakfast, she sat down with a bowl of Cheerios and milk. Staring at the Cheerios in front of her, she began to think of Danny. Maybe I should ask him to eat now.

Wandering to Danny’s room, she heard a noise. What kind of ruckus is he getting into this time? She annoying thought. Not wanting to open the door, she talked herself to anyway. And what a site when the door flew open.

Danny was running all around his room, throwing pictures, books, magazines, toys, you name it. Even his bed was a mess.

“Danny, what is this mess?” She asked astonished.

But Danny didn’t hear, so she tread closer to him carefully stepping in areas that seemed like the red carpet in his room. As she walked, Danny threw another book that hit her on her head.

“Ouch!” She said loudly.

Danny stopped. He turned to see his big sister standing in front of him rubbing her head where the book had landed.

“Danny, you hit me with the book!”

“Sorry,” Danny said full of guilt. “I was just looking for something.”

“How can you look for anything in this mess?” She said, her hands swaying to each side of his room.

“Don’t be mad, sis.”

“I’m not mad. You’re making a mess and we have to clean up before parents come home. Mom and Dad will freak when they see this!”

“But they won’t, I promise. And it wasn’t me who hit you with the book. You weren’t watching where the book flew.” Danny turned back to what he was doing.

Sue started to say something, but then took a breath. “I was too busy watching where I’m stepping. There’s no walk way in your room!” Then she added, “Besides, this is not about the book. This is about you and your room.” Remembering he said he was looking for something, she asked, “What in the world were you looking for?”

Danny’s eyes brightened as he took something out of a box on the shelf. “This.”

Looking at it, Sue crossed her arms even more upset. “You mean to tell me you made all this mess just so you can find your space stuff?!”

“Oh, Sue. Don’t be like mom. I just wanted to go on a voyage.”

Ignoring his brother’s comment on her being like mom, she responded, “So you made a big mess all for an imaginative voyage?”

“But it’s not imaginative.” Danny shaking his head said. It’s real. I’m going on a real voyage.”

Still looking at him as he kept talking.

“You see, I have all my things packed for the trip.” He showed her the little box he had packed.

Calming down, Sue said, “Danny, you can’t go on a real voyage, especially to space.”

“Why not?” Danny questioned.

“ITS SPACE! Millions… billions away from us, SPACE!” Taking a second, she thought she could get through to him by asking, “How are you going to get there?”

Danny thought. “I’m still thinking it. But like the saying goes, ‘Where there’s a will, there is a way!’ I have the will, Sue.”

“Danny can’t you just pretend to go on an adventure?” She asked.

“Nope.”

Now it was her turn to ask, “Why?”

Danny responded smiling, “Why would I after all this mess I created?”

Sue Opened her mouth, then closed it knowing her brother just used what she said earlier against her.

Danny, knowing he had won, he placed his astronaut mask on and asked, “Do you want to come, too?”

That was when Sue felt her stomach pain as it growled and realized why she came up here in the first place. “All I came here for was to ask if you wanted to eat breakfast with me. Not find this mess and find you are going on an impossible voyage.” She sighed saying, “Now my cereal would be sagged. I should have just ate it.”

Danny watched her and jokingly responded, “Next time, don’t put the milk in the cereal.” He giggled, then stopped seeing the expression on his sister’s face. “No, I’m not hungry now. I’ll eat when I’m up in space!” He said as he swung his hands up in the air and looked up at the ceiling.

Sue grumbled, then said, “Forget it.” She walked out saying, “You can go on this so-called voyage by yourself. I’m going to eat!”

Danny stared as his sister walked out. He felt a little hurt and a little sad. But the idea of going to space quickly lifted his mood. Holding the spaceship in his hand, he danced around the little uncluttered area repeatedly singing, I’m going to space. I’m going to space. Yeah, I’m going to space. I’m going to-“

Danny stopped what he was doing amazed and concerned as he looked around. Wowww! He thought looking at the spaceship. How did I get here?

Fear and excitement all sputtered deep inside him knowing his voyage came true. Or, did it?

Voyage

**The Rabbit and Its Tail is now available for preorder. In loving memory of my Dad, it will be available on his birthday- July 8, 2016. Please click and visit: The Rabbit and Its Tail link. More information is posted on my blog as well as on Amazon Kindle.**

Fund Me

Hello everyone. WAIT! Before you click the “x” button thinking this is just a blog asking for money, DON’T. I’m not asking You for money. I’m asking myself 🙂 Some of your heads are probably circuiting thinking, “Oh, how dumb” (“x”). Go ahead if you like. But I find it rather interesting and might help me.

Why would creating a fund for myself help me? The only money I’ll be making is whatever comes my paycheck (and if lucky, other options). What good does it do, then? Well, I was researching on Google ways to stop shopping. You see, I have a problem- more specifically, a spending problem. Shopping! If shopping could have a lawsuit, I bet it would be sued for stealing money. Okay, I’ll stop.

Yes, many of us have this problem. I’m not the only one. Knowing that makes me a little better. But knowing others can overcome this problem and save up while I’m drowning myself, still, in money problems makes me irritated. Not with you. Definitely not with you. This is not your fault, but my own. I’m irritated, annoyed with myself. Why can’t I just say, “No”? JUST SAY “NO”! Really? How so easy….

But no, it’s not so easy. Shopping you are so cruel… maybe it’s money that’s so cruel? Material objects only suffice for couple seconds, minutes, hours, etc., so why do I go for it more, especially during my stressful moments.

I’ve read online making goals helps the increase spending. Budgeting supposedly does, too. I fail at both. I know what you’re thinking, “Sucks to be you”, right? That or, “You’re not trying hard enough”. “Are you sure you did it right?” Any of these ringing in your mind? It’s okay. Be honest. I’ll live.

So what is this funding? Well, I scanned the website a little for some inspiration on saving money and stop spending habits. I found this, but I didn’t read any further. I let my mind wander on it.

Here’s my question to myself and you: What is it you want most? What are your goals? What do you want to achieve?
In my journal I wrote some, like maybe three or four very important goals- to publish a book, travel, buy a new car, pay off credit card, and start an Etsy shop (selling crocheted baby blankets). I know that’s more than three or four. You can come with many more if you want. What matters most is the list you come up with should mean something to you. Should spark an interest and motivate you, get you thinking, “Wow, all this does need money. I really do need to start saving.”

That’s my problem, you see. I am not motivated in saving. Saving for what? I had no goals in mind. Some of these goals, I’ll admit, were just added because sometime in the future I’ll eventually have to save for it. For instance, buy a new car. I’m satisfied with my car I have. A blue 2006 Toyota Corolla that’s been with me since I was 17.5. My Dad and the Driving teacher both taught me driving in it. I wasn’t comfortable with the Driver’s car, so he allowed me to use the one my parents purchased. It’s been with me through minor and major car crashes. It’s still running. I’m satisfied. But I should still think of a new car because this car will eventually lose its life or be a total loss someday. If my car died today, completely died today, would I be ready? No. What about tomorrow? Absolutely no. I wouldn’t be ready at all this year. That’s why it’s so important to start saving now. I think my head is in agreement. Hopefully.

Okay, so you made your list. It’s a list made for you. The fact is, I needed to change my mindset. I believe this is the way. Most website I find tells about budgeting. Yes, budgeting is great. I’ve tried it. Envelope budgeting was something interesting. But even that failed. Writing on paper like my Dad constantly told me I needed to do- yup, you guessed it! FAILED. I’m a total complete failure. But what if there’s something more I needed?

If you would tell me I need to save money I’d nod my head and say okay. But would I really believe it? You’d tell me it’s for my future. Okay, hold up. Stop right there! That’s the biggest problem. Automatically, my head will ask, “What future?” Get it? I don’t see a future for me. Yes, I am here in this world. Therefore, I should see a future. But I don’t. I’m just passing by with the time ticking my life away. I don’t know what I want to be. My career sucks considering I have a Bachelors degree already and am working for $8.25/hour. My friends and family keep talking about how I should be making more money and how I should go back to school for another better degree. I don’t have any desire in going back to college unless I’m set on a degree because right now, I don’t even know who me is. My interest constantly changes. That’s the problem I had even attending an expensive private college. I suck. Like I said a complete failure.

It’s only this year I have found a desire in bringing out my passion. Letting it flow and see where it goes. Will it drown in an ocean? Will it get swallowed by a whale? Or will it swim to shore? Who knows! That’s life. One thing I know is I love hands-on activities. I love creating things. My Dad used to watch me crocheting. He’d be amazed at my focus level when creating a crochet project. I’ll admit, not all crochet projects keep my focus. There are only a few designs that I will stay focused on. And coming from a girl who lacks focus or has trouble keeping it, that’s something to think about. So that’s one thing that makes me. What else?

Another that makes me me is writing. Since I was little writing has been my best friend. I haven’t been nice to my friend. I’ve taken it for granted. Writing. God’s greatest gift he could give me. I’m grateful for this gift. However, sometimes it’s just so hard to find the words or phrases. So, I give up. That or I’m too lazy to sit down and take the time to write. Back in college, I had some paper assignments that I couldn’t do. Why? Because a flood of poetic words spun around my mind. I was going crazy! I told my Dad this on the phone. He told me to spend one hour. One hour. That’s all Jesus asked His disciples when they fell asleep as he prayed, “Will you not spend one hour with me?” Right? If this is wrong one, please let me know. This is from my memory, so I could have the stories mixed up. Either way, he did ask that question. And that’s something writing was asking me. Writing for me is spending time with God. Therefore, if writing is asking, “Will you not spend an hour with me?” Maybe God was too. Spending that one hour hour or even just couple minutes helped me. All those words emptied my mind so that I could spare some time on other school-related homework. Therefore, writing is definitely something a part of me that I could not and should not ever give up. No matter how difficult writing can get. I need to break down the walls and face whatever obstacles there may be.

Etsy is another, but like my mom says, “I have all the ideas, but I don’t follow through.” In my head, I’m thinking of what kind of themed-blankets I can make. My face brightens as all the ideas form. Then glooms when I wonder how much yarn it would take. Why the gloomy face? Money. It’s all because of money. You’re probably thinking, “Yup, it’s always the money.” This world revolves around money. If I were to make baby blankets, I’d need money. But I spent so much and have bills so high to pay off, I dug a deep hole that buried all my dreams in. There’s no way to dig them out until I pay the past, learn and move on without setting the same trap. I’ve done the same thing before. I set a trap I can’t get out of.

Okay, so those are my goals in detailed form. So, what’s next. Well, obviously I need the money. With a paycheck of $8.50/hour, work hours 7.5+/-, bills that are high to pay off, and past credit cards and paypal to pay off, how can I expect to save anything? I could easily ask for a loan. But who would want to help pay for a mistake that is not theirs? Who would want to help pay off a stupid mistake? No one. I have to work with the budget I have. I have to set my mind in not spending. Find other ways to get my mind off that bad habit. After all, just say “NO” is not enough for everyone. I have to find reasons why and remind myself of what makes me me and follow through on those passions and goals. That’s what I need to do. I can’t just make a list of spending and see where I can cut back. I can’t just use the envelope technique. I need more! I need reasons. I need to believe in those reasons. I need something to motivate me and in the long run keep my motivation.

Yes, you may still have to budget just to find how much money you have left when all your bills and things are paid. That way you have a sense of how much leftover you have. That leftover, rather than saving it in your account, tell yourself, “These are my goals. This is what I need to save up for. I need this to better myself, make me happy. This is a part of who I am.” Find any reasons. Talk through until you believe it and remain focused on it. If you find yourself wanting to spend more, do the process at that time. Focus your mind on your intentions that make you you. You may love makeup. I shop for makeup. But ask yourself do you have makeup? List what makeups you have. If your mind is saying, “But I don’t have this one…” (pouts). Forget the pout. Look beyond it! Don’t be fooled by the pout!! Ask yourself, “What makes this one product currently wanting so unique?” Wait 24 hours before buying it. Are you still thinking of it? Well is it a shade you may already have? Maybe you can buy it later. Remember, if it’s store purchase, you would have to drive there. Are you willing to waste gas and your time driving? If it’s online, don’t press that button until you give it some time and thought!

Whatever amount that’s leftover from your paychecks, put it away in a savings account. Don’t touch that savings account! I had that problem, too. It’s not for you. You set up a fund. A savings fund. That fund is for your goals, your passions. But it’s not for you. Are you confused? Great! See, if that money is for you, then you can do whatever you want with it. But if you tell yourself it’s not for you, it’s for a purpose, then maybe, just maybe you wouldn’t dare touch it. It’s going to the greater good- the greater YOU! Not you, but the greater you that’s deep inside of you that’s dying to come out. The real you. Not the you that fails at spending. That you has dreams. It has goals. It has a sense of reality. That you doesn’t throw away money. That’s the you that’s trying to come out. And you are creating an account for that you.

I just created my goals today. I am hoping I can follow through on this. I need to start thinking more clearly under a cloudy mind. One day my mom won’t be here to help support me when my money flies away among a flock of birds. My Dad used to tell me he won’t always be around to help me. Therefore, I need to start saving money. It didn’t help those times. But losing him was a bit of an eye opener. What was the greatest eye opener is that I have a dream I want to play out. I want to publish a book with a company and have no money at all saved for it. I don’t know how much I’d have to pay, but still, with all my past debts, would I be able to even afford publishing the book? That’s the biggest eye opener for me. If you’re also failing at saving and budgeting, if you think you are a complete failure, maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re failing goes more deeper. Maybe you need more than just separating money into envelopes and/or writing words and numbers on paper. After all, you have to have a desire that sparks a need for change in you; a spark to reignite the flame inside you to do better. Right?

That’s all I have for now. I am enjoying my few hours of free time before going to work. My current job during the summer, lessens the hours due to the amount of children. I no longer come in from 9:00am-6:00pm, but either 11am-6pm or 1pm-6pm. It’s nice because I’ve been wanting a break from work. This way I’ll have some spare moments during the weekday and still get paid for some hours working. There are pros and cons to it. But really what doesn’t? Hope you all are enjoying your day and if not, it’s almost the weekend!

By the way, my first book I wrote is available on Kindle for preorder. It is in loving memory of my Dad who passed away due to a little of pneumonia, kidney failure, and heart giving up. He overcame so much in his 82 years of living. This year he would have been 83 in July. In celebrating his birthday, I wanted to publish the book on July 8th. This story is a story he used to tell me when I was sick and weak asking him for one before I fell asleep on the main floor couch because I didn’t want to climb upstairs to my room. My original story is less than or equal to 1000 words, but because it’s a kindle ebook, I have expanded it to 3000 words. Not all of this was his exact words. From the story he told, I took some ideas I remembered and ran with it. I am planning one day publishing a printed book; however, currently, it is on preorder on Amazon’s Kindle version. Whatever I sell from this will go in my Savings fund for any and all my future dreams and goals.

I am also planning on working with Dorrance Publishing company in publishing another children’s book. I am currently waiting on illustrations and the pricing. Thank you for your time stopping by and reading my post.

*peace&God Bless*
Lisa

**The Rabbit and Its Tail is now available for preorder. In loving memory of my Dad, it will be available on his birthday- July 8, 2016. Please click and visit: The Rabbit and Its Tail link. More information is posted on my blog as well as on Amazon Kindle.**