Last night around 10PM, my mom got a call. She had just went to bed and the phone rang. Normally, I don’t bother asking who called. This time, I did. I don’t know why.
She said Meadville Aunty had passed away. That made me sad because I remembered this Aunty vaguely. The one memory I remember is how she used to make cheesecake for my brother and I knowing we were visiting.
My mind also remembers a little of her laughter and how she talked. I can hear the sound of her voice in my head a little.
Pretend is the daily prompt for today. How does this relate to it? Well, I remember when my Dad passed away. Everything felt so real. He’s gone. Tears of sadness, heartbreaks, joy of no suffering and knowing he’s in heaven.
But life ticks away. There’s no time for mourning, that’s how I feel. Everything is just pretend or fake. I faked my happy smile just to get by at work.
Walking into work the very next day after the funeral, the owner had thanked me for coming in. The day of the funeral, the director of the previous job I worked at told me she needed a month off after her Dad’s passing. I didn’t know how to respond.
I needed that. But I couldn’t have that. I had to keep going- not just for money reasons, for health as well. If I took a break for one second, I felt I’d drown. Depression would take its toll. All I could do at home was sleep, think and cry about Dad and the past memories.
I have felt this fake/pretending to be happy before. And after awhile it starts weighing on me, which is where I’m at now. And I don’t know how to stop pretending that everything’s fine.