Sometimes I feel like it is very easy nowadays to say sorry. I wonder if when it’s being said, does the person really mean it or are they just throwing it all around.
Apology used to mean saying sorry and trying to do better. Maybe it’s me, but I feel like I’m stuck in a rerun at times when someone says sorry, yet, still keeps doing what they apologized for. Does that make sense?
My Dad was a neutral man. He never expected any apologies from anyone. If someone did bad to him, he never let it get to him. Or so it seemed. I watched him stand or sit. He’d be meditating. Sometimes he’d use his hands- shaking a finger or gesturing as if he was letting stuff out (I don’t know how to explain it).
I wish I was like that. I started thinking about it two days ago. Why can’t I be like that? He’d always say to not argue. Forgive and forget. But I was too stubborn to do that. He’d also say to tell God everything and leave it at that.
Telling God a list of things done was hard. Writing was easier. But He’s not in front of me. I can’t see him. Sometimes, telling Him it all just feels useless. Like what’s the point?
It’s like when I just talk to someone about my bad day hoping it’ll make me feel better. It helps others. But not me. It doesn’t help me. It feels useless. Useless because talking about does nothing. In the end, I’m left with all the things I told that person unchanged.
Maybe for that minute I can see it helped. Helped forget the anxiety or whatever negative feeling I was in. But when that person walks away and I’m left to stand alone facing upto the thing I dreaded before that seemed less dreadful for a minute, all the dreaded feelings comes bursting into my head and I’m filled with the negatives once again.
I never understood how talking about your feelings or thoughts help. I feel like it’s useless. But at the same time not talking will eat me up from inside. The final result isn’t any better when I’m left knowing I’m right back to where I started after the person leaves.